when does treatment=recovery?

I'm in "treatment" now. Probably two weeks in the hospital where they will treat me with a slowly increased calorie intake and make sure I gain about 10 pounds. they have a goal for me of gaining 0.3kilograms a day. yesterday I finished the Rice Chex and soy milk snack they gave me and had a bite of rice and a bite of tofu and about half of the cooked green beans. all of these are not in my raw vegan diet and I really don't care for them at all. but still it was an increase in my calories, I estimate it was a 500-600 day. much more than normal.

but I lost 0.7kilograms :/ had to look it up, 93ish with the pajamas on, so probably around 92. I'm not pleased with this, it's too high! but what's worse is they won't be too pleased..well today is another day..they also switched me from Wellbutrin to Remeron last night (which is supposed to lead to an increase in appetite --> weight gain). But they will have to switch me back. apparently not tolerating Remeron well. everything spins when my eyes are open. never been this dizzy in my life. It's like a just walked off one of those awful spinning rides at an amusement park feeling, and it hasn't gone away for 12 hours. 

back to thoughts about this all: I just don't think this is recovery. they'd have to find me some miracle therapist who can change my mind on this fact: I'm so not mentally prepared for this. I'm not down to my goal weight. I'm so afraid of food and gaining weight. unless some fantastic transformation takes place in me during these 2 weeks, "treatment" is probably not going to change this the underlying feelings of this illness. I will get to their goal weight for me. I have to if I ever want to get home. their goal is really not my goal though.

I've never gotten over the need to be thin. I was put on TCAs and SSRIs or awhile. they succeeded in ballooning me up. gaining weight like that was awful. most distressing thing, even with all my other chronic illnesses. and so I got off them. lost this extra weight and felt a bit better. but it still wasn't enough. lost even more and it still wasn't enough. why is it never enough? well, this is why I think that I'm getting treated.

I'm just not recovering yet.